It’s here: my one year anniversary as an offshore mom. I feel fulfilled to have followed through with my Merchant Mariner career goal, even when now my personal priorities have changed. I was able to prove to myself that I have the strength to succeed as both a mother and a mariner. I am proud to be typing this story of my success but, to be completely honest, it is very hard physically and emotionally to separate the mother part of me and return the seaman back to sea.
Mariners have strengths in many facets. The capability for strength of will and resilience is built with time. To harness the will to continue a career through an obstacle, or the courage and bravery to leave a loved one and go a long distance away from home, takes a strong desire to pursue your passion. Offshore work is tough; equally tough for the body, mind and spirit. Becoming an offshore Mother is an additional challenge. When returning to work after Bennett was born, I was vulnerable and unsure of what I had decided for my family and myself. I listened to comments from coworkers; coworkers hold the power to both disappoint and inspire. I have since learned to hear what empowers, and tune out what discourages. I protect my goals, passions, and pride within and, in turn, keep a positive mentality. There is no room for negativity and weakness inside myself when I am a role model for others - especially my son. I can hold only positive thoughts of providing for my new family and hold true to my career commitments. I have to take everything in stride because sometimes life is not what we expect it to be. I have become a stronger mariner and individual without realizing it. I am now able to understand that my family can survive without my physical presence, and I have come to understand the true meaning of who I am.
Originally, I thought Bennett would miss me more. I thought there would be tears of sadness and anger when I left to return to work every hitch. I imagined a terrible scene at the airport: Bennett would hang onto my leg, and I in turn would fall apart at the seams, hot tears running down my face, my husband peeling our son off me. Maybe he is still too young to show these forms of emotion, but nothing of this sort happened in reality. I was very fearful to return to work. I began fabricating the worst-case scenario in my mind, remembering every coworker who ever told me stories about being separated from their loved ones. Upon consideration, I think Bennett understands when I am leaving. He clings to his dad and watches me walk down the jet way to the entrance of the plane. He sees the sadness on my face and knows I do not want to leave him. He knows mommy leaves for a long period of time. During our time away from one another, he relies on his dad to take care of him and “magically”, mommy shows up on the phone. He knows I call daily and can see me in the glass screen in his hand. Bennett knows I am there, even though he cannot touch my face, my hair or my skin. He kisses the phone, says “HI!”, smiles and waves at me. I truly feel that Bennett is an old soul. He may already be familiar with this way of life; the life he has known since birth. I do not know why, but I do know it works: my life as mother and mariner.
It is heartbreaking to leave my family and return to work every hitch; these feelings are unavoidable and uncontrollable. One of the only means of relieving the pain is faith in our strong family bond. Our trust in each other gives me the ability to return to work understanding that all will be well at home.
I am so blessed to have a healthy, happy family with whom I am able to communicate daily on the phone and through FaceTime. I watched Bennett’s first steps on FaceTime: I was not physically there to see them. It hurts not being the one to hold out my arms in encouragement, but I know that when I am home I’ll have unrestricted access to him. I can hold his hand as we walk in the backyard together, helping him master his newfound skills. I will not be home for every birthday or Christmas. I have accepted these limitations and know that I can make up what time I have missed with four weeks of “us time”.
I am a proud mother and a mariner, and I love my beautiful life.
